6 death-related problems solved with organizing
"The law doesn’t stop with death. It reaches far beyond the grave, for years, entangling the survivors in bureaucratic hurdles that make the challenges of pre-death seem like a cakewalk." - The Overstory
The topic of death and dying - yours or theirs - comes up often with my clients. Some bring me in as they are pondering their own, while others seek help when facing papers and ephemera left behind by a loved-one. Below are six common death-related problems that can be solved with organizing.
1. You don't want to leave your loved ones a mess when you die
I’ve had clients as young as 40-something tell me their motivating factor for getting organized is to ease the post-death processing of their things for their children. That is why I wasn’t surprised to see this article: Why I did my own death cleaning at 39.
Not sure what death cleaning is? You can probably guess, but I did a post on Swedish death cleaning a while back in 2017 breaks it down: Swedish death cleaning: No matter your age, it may be time to start.
More and more, preparing your affairs in the event of death means hyper-organizing your digital life too so that all parts of it can be accessed by a loved one. The great side benefit of this is that you get to enjoy an organized digital life in the meantime, and the peace of mind that come with it. Read the New York Times’ Get your digital accounts ready in case of death for a step by step plan.
2. You don't want to wait 'til you’re dead to be free of your clutter
Recently, a 71 year-old subscriber in Israel wrote to me asking if it was worth her time to declutter and organize her filing cabinet. She made two arguments not to:
1. "My only son will throw everything away without even looking at all those papers."
2. She can usually find what she needs on her computer.
I responded to her just as I would if I were sitting across from a client:
"On one hand, I want to say that life’s too short; If you don’t have the motivation to organize or toss it all, just close the door on that project and let him toss it later! It sounds morbid, but that is was happens 90% of the time. If it’s going to be easy for him to do one day, then just spend your time living!
On the other hand, why not enjoy a clean slate? Why not give yourself the satisfaction of knowing you did it? It makes me think of all the people who don’t clear their homes out until they stage them to sell, then wish they had given themselves the gift of a beautiful home while they were still there to enjoy it. You could (hopefully) be on this planet for another 30 years. That’s a long time to embody the new, lighter you with less paper!"
What do you think she did....? She wrote me back immediately saying that this was the motivation she needed to tackle it herself!
3. Years have passed since your loved one passed, but the tough paper remains untouched
For some people, immediately dealing with the paper left behind by a loved one can be a part of the healing process and necessary for keeping the wheels on the bus of life if that person managed the household and finances. Many of my clients have fit this description.
More often, addressing these painful pieces of their memory, mundane as they might be, are a low priority. Years tick by and the paper never moves. To finally address it when one feels ready is it's own milestone in the grieving process.
The picture below is from a client who had me help her with her late father’s files about five years after his death. His papers were contained in a file box but she knew there was still work to be done. She typically takes a great deal of thought and focus to let go of things. That is why I was shocked at how easily she was able to cut his papers in half! The time had clearly arrived for her to be decisive about what of her father’s was still worth keeping. In the process, we created these files for the most important docs that hadn’t yet made it into a folder.
4. You’re faced with organizing the administrivia and paper relating to a loved one’s death
A prospective client once emailed this to me: "My father recently died, and guess who now has to make sense of his estate? It is quickly becoming a disaster of epic proportions. I know that I can do it, but I need new systems and some nonjudgmental but tough coaching.”
In time, we turned that "disaster of epic proportions" into the file box pictured below. Here's a sampling of her “dad” file box categories:
Dad’s collections
Home medical equipment
Car
Insurance
Medical bills by year
Bank statements
Inheritance lists
Will
The plastic file box in front contains everything pertaining to his taxes. She suspected he was not up to date on tax filing, so this warranted its own space. In organizing her home office, we found lots of mail addressed to her dad, much from the IRS. We set it all aside as we worked over the course of a few months. Once her space was in order, she could focus on creating the system you see here.
5. You’ve imbued an object with the essence of a loved one who has passed
The junk removers manhandle my heart in the New York Times is a heart-wrenching read that tipped the scales for me away from the “it’s just stuff” camp when I read it years ago. It’s an article about a man for whom a tattered old sofa held years of memories with his late husband. Watching the junk haulers inelegantly take it away resulted in a near breakdown. If you’ve ever broken down over an object in light of a loved one’s death, this is a comforting (though heart-wrenching) must-read that will give you comfort.
If you have trouble accessing it on the New York Times’ site, read it here.
6. You feel like you’ll never be ready to let go of a loved one’s possessions
Clothing is often the last of a loved one’s daily-use possessions to be parted with. Who will wear my dead husband’s clothes? is another great New York Times read about how one women knew it was exactly the right time to let go of her husband’s clothes. Perhaps it will help you to feel validated in hanging onto similar items for a little longer, or, to find your own right opportunity to let them go.
If you have trouble accessing it on the New York Times’ site, read it here.
Do you have a story about an item that was (or still is) unbearable to part with from a loved who who has died? Is it something you suspect you’ll be able to let go of one day, but not yet? Did you ever have a moment where you knew it was the right time to part with something of theirs? What happened that allowed you to let it go? Please share in the comments. If you’re just about ready to deal with your loved one’s paper, but need support from an Organizer, let's work together.
